your android could teleport food and I’d still get an iPhone
- baby: m....m...m
- mom: mama? ma? mommy?
- baby: m...m...
- baby: m..mY ANACONDA DONT
"What do you feel most guilty about"
"My father was a barber. He was a really proud man. He cut hair at all the nicest hotels. A couple of times when I was a teenager, just to spite him, I went and got my hair cut at another barber. It was like a thorn in his heart."
I realized I missed my dog and my immediate impulse was “I should text her” then I realized she’s a fucking dog
"I’m the manager of my 14 year old son’s heavy metal band. I pay for everything and handle promotion. Work is stressful, so it’s my release. I’m always checking my phone to see if there are any new likes or wall postings on their Facebook page."
film meme: (3/ ∞) favorite movies - Saved!
"I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it’s a pretty good one. It’s not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again… I don’t really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.”
"Are you lonely?"
"It’s been a lifetime of loneliness. I decided early on that I better get used to it. I go to movies by myself. If the movie theater is completely empty, I’m even happier. I learned early on that if I wanted to go to restaurants, I better learn to go by myself. One benefit to being big is that people don’t bother you. I’m shocked that you came up to me. Nobody’s ever done that. When I started to go to therapy, it took me several sessions before I even spoke a word. I’d just sit there and cry. And honestly, you caught me on a tough day. I was sitting here feeling really bad about myself. Because I went to the doctor today, and I was sure that I’d lost weight. But I’d gained some."
"He wants to go home."
“If you could give a piece of advice to yourself at the age of eighteen, what would it be?”
“Have more sex.”
“She never actually told me why she was sick, but people talk. Some of the older kids were like: ‘Yo, your mom has AIDS.’”
"She was 2 lbs 11 ounces when she was born. We named her after Amelia Earhart, in case she needed to fly away."
"He had his first birthday yesterday, so he goes crazy every time he hears the ‘Happy Birthday’ song."
"Let’s see it."
I actually really love it when someone remembers small details and quirks about me or addresses me by my name at unexpected times like at the end of a sentence and I don’t know why but I just really, really do.